Wednesday 21 November 2012

Chelsea Managerial Application



Dear Mr Abramovich

I am writing with regard to the current managerial vacancy at Chelsea Football Club. Most people would claim that they would be grateful to be considered for such a role; however I write this with confidence that you could not fail to place my name on the shortlist. Once you have seen the depth of experience and talent that I would bring to this role, I feel that you will agree.

With the current success of the Chelsea academy team, I feel that experience working with young players would be crucial for this role in enabling their transition to the first team. Thus, I believe that my previous spell in charge of Asseri, a youth side in Costa Rica, has equipped me with the correct tools to develop the current Chelsea academy players, as well as some of the foreign players at the club. Several of these players are now on the books of professional clubs in Costa Rica, displaying the excellent coaching that they received at the youth levels.

The club also achieved significant success during my tenure, achieving a 100% winning record and lifting two regional titles, whilst playing attractive attacking football. Whilst it was at a lower level, I feel it provides a glimpse at what you could see in the future at Stamford Bridge.

As you undoubtedly receive a number of applications quoting extensive success on Football Manager, I assume that you generally tend to regard achievements on said game with a great deal of scepticism. This comes as a relief as my team currently lies just four points off the top of the Premiership off the back of arguably the most successful season in the club’s history. Clearly this level of failure is completely unacceptable in modern football, and to achieve it with a club of the stature of Aylesbury United simply makes it all the more embarrassing.

With no only my highly-regarded coaching skills, I am also a qualified economist. With the growing influence of money in the sport, an expert such as myself, who can not only read and write (not thinking of any former Spurs managers here), but also manage risk and develop extensive models to predict the future would be a valuable asset to the club. I would also ask you to ignore the growing belief in the current climate that economists are entirely useless at predicting not only the future, but also the past. It is simply the desperate claims of left-wing idiots that are unhappy that we are collecting huge pay checks for doing virtually nothing. As a successful capitalist and oligarch, I am sure you can sympathise.

Jose Mourinho once spoke in length about eggs and omelettes in a thinly veiled attack on the ownership of the club. His main problem appeared to be that he was unable to visit Waitrose to obtain the class one eggs that he was craving. However, as I am sure you appreciate, Spain is currently the most successful nation at football. As a result, I feel it is important to draw on ideas from the Spanish. Thus, to overcome Jose’s problem, and ensure that the club is as successful as it deserves to be, I present to you the Spanish Omelette. Due to its predominant potato base, a lack of class one eggs no longer ruins the quality of the omelette. Therefore, one would no longer have to shop at the highly-priced Waitrose to achieve perfection – an important change in the current times of economic hardship.

I also have a keen interest in gambling, which could potentially form a lucrative alternative source of revenue for the club. This would be vital in providing additional funds for strengthening the squad, whilst still passing the new UEFA Financial Fair Play regulations that are due to come into force in the near future. Furthermore, having utilised extensive contacts in the industry, the bookmakers would provide a quote of 1000/1 on myself being named the new manager of Chelsea Football Club. Thus, by selling Fernando Torres, who even you must agree has been about as useful as air conditioning in the Siberian winter, and investing the proceeds in myself at those odds, it would provide the funds to crush the two Manchester clubs and ensure Chelsea’s position as Britain’s only superpower.

I hope that I have demonstrated that I would be a major asset to Chelsea, both on the field and in bringing financial stability and profitability to the club. One former manager declared himself the ‘Special One’ on taking over at the club. I do not wish to be viewed as a ‘Special One’, but would rather you regard me as the ‘Second Coming.’

Yours faithfully

DW

Tuesday 20 November 2012

20 Tennis Players to Watch - Part 2

In Part 1 (available here), we looked at the first five of the young women that could potentially be the future of the game. This second part sees another five players, including a junior Grand Slam winner, and two top 5 ranked junior players:

6. Annika Beck (GER)

Annika Beck

Age: 18
Ranking: 78
2012 Record: 43-10
2012 Titles: 6 ($25k Moscow, $50 Versmold, $25k Koksijde, $75k Shrewsbury, $75k Ismaning, $75k Barnstaple)

Junior Ranking: 34
2012 Junior Record: 6-0
2012 Junior Titles: 1 (Junior French Open)

Six senior titles on the ITF circuit, including five titles in her last six tournaments, finishing the year on a 20-match winning streak in ITF tournaments, a Junior Grand Slam title at Roland Garros and qualifying for the main draw at Wimbledon, 2012 has been a stunning year for the young German.

She has improved her ranking from 234 at the start of the year to number 78 in the world, meaning she is now guaranteed direct entry into next year’s Australian Open and should start playing regularly on the full WTA circuit.

7. Katerina Siniakova (CZE)

Katerina Siniakova

Age: 16
Ranking: 1077
2012 Record: 4-3
2012 Titles: 0

Junior Ranking: 3
2012 Junior Record: 35-11
2012 Junior Titles: 3 (Osaka Mayor’s Cup, 53 Trofeo Bonfiglio, NWU-PUKKE/RVTA Junior ITF 2)

It has been an impressive year for the 16-year old from the Czech Republic. Three singles titles, victory with the Czech Republic at the U16 Europe Winter Cup and reaching the number 3 ranking in the juniors were the highlights, along with a quarter-final run in the junior French Open.

She has plenty of time left in the juniors having only turned 16 in May, and she will likely challenge in the later stages of the junior Grand Slams in 2013, as well as making her first steps onto the main ITF tour. A realistic target could be to push toward the top 500 in the coming year.

8. Alison van Uytvanck (BEL)

Alison van Uytvanck

Age: 18
Ranking: 232
2012 Record: 31-15
2012 Titles: 2 ($10k Glasgow, $25k Equeurdreville)

2012 has been a relatively disappointing year for the young Belgian. After four titles in 2011 and a world ranking of 297, she might have been hoping to push into the top 200 this year, but results have not entirely gone her way. However, a poor spell in the middle of the year was explained by her focusing on graduating high-school and her results have picked up in the later part of the year, reaching the final in Glasgow and winning the title in Equeurdreville.

The highlight of her year was in Brussels, where she beat two top 100 players before losing in straight sets to Agnieszka Radwanska, but that run demonstrated that she is capable of playing at a high level. Her aim for 2013 should really be to push into the top 200 and move toward the top 100, a level that she should be able to reach.

9. Taylor Townsend (USA)

Taylor Townsend

Age: 16
Ranking: 502
2012 Record: 5-3
2012 Titles: 0

Junior Ranking: 1
2012 Junior Record: 29-6
2012 Junior Titles: 2 (Easter Bowl, Junior Australian Open)

A year that started so well for Townsend, winning the junior Australian Open singles and doubles title, as well as the junior Wimbledon doubles title, ended in controversy when she was asked by the USTA to sit out the junior US Open due to her weight. Regardless, she paid her own way into the tournament and reached the quarter-finals.

The number 1 ranked junior in the world at just 16, the future seems bright for the young American. She has already had a couple of impressive results at the full ITF level, and one would expect her to push her way up the rankings in the coming year, as well as challenging for the top prizes in the junior game.

10. Irina Khromacheva

Irina Khromacheva

Age: 17
Ranking: 190
2012 Record: 24-14
2012 Titles: 1 ($25k Perigueux)

Her first full season on the senior tour has seen the young Russian improve her ranking dramatically from 402 to 190, albeit with only one title. She will be slightly disappointed with her progress though as she has lacked consistency, and could realistically have moved much higher up. Three wins over top 100 opponents have demonstrated her potential, but a number of poor defeats suggest she needs to work on the mental side of her game.

Her best results have come on the clay, but having reached the junior Wimbledon final in 2011 and having reached junior doubles finals at all four Grand Slams, she has a game that could work on the other surfaces. It will be interesting to see whether she can add the consistency to her game and push up toward the top 100 in 2013.


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