Dear Mr Abramovich
I am writing with regard to the current managerial vacancy at Chelsea Football Club. Most people would claim that they would be grateful to be considered for such a role; however I write this with confidence that you could not fail to place my name on the shortlist. Once you have seen the depth of experience and talent that I would bring to this role, I feel that you will agree.
With the current success of the Chelsea academy team, I feel that experience working with young players would be crucial for this role in enabling their transition to the first team. Thus, I believe that my previous spell in charge of Asseri, a youth side in Costa Rica, has equipped me with the correct tools to develop the current Chelsea academy players, as well as some of the foreign players at the club. Several of these players are now on the books of professional clubs in Costa Rica, displaying the excellent coaching that they received at the youth levels.
The club also achieved significant success during my tenure, achieving a 100% winning record and lifting two regional titles, whilst playing attractive attacking football. Whilst it was at a lower level, I feel it provides a glimpse at what you could see in the future at Stamford Bridge.
As you undoubtedly receive a number of applications quoting extensive success on Football Manager, I assume that you generally tend to regard achievements on said game with a great deal of scepticism. This comes as a relief as my team currently lies just four points off the top of the Premiership off the back of arguably the most successful season in the club’s history. Clearly this level of failure is completely unacceptable in modern football, and to achieve it with a club of the stature of Aylesbury United simply makes it all the more embarrassing.
With no only my highly-regarded coaching skills, I am also a qualified economist. With the growing influence of money in the sport, an expert such as myself, who can not only read and write (not thinking of any former Spurs managers here), but also manage risk and develop extensive models to predict the future would be a valuable asset to the club. I would also ask you to ignore the growing belief in the current climate that economists are entirely useless at predicting not only the future, but also the past. It is simply the desperate claims of left-wing idiots that are unhappy that we are collecting huge pay checks for doing virtually nothing. As a successful capitalist and oligarch, I am sure you can sympathise.
Jose Mourinho once spoke in length about eggs and omelettes in a thinly veiled attack on the ownership of the club. His main problem appeared to be that he was unable to visit Waitrose to obtain the class one eggs that he was craving. However, as I am sure you appreciate, Spain is currently the most successful nation at football. As a result, I feel it is important to draw on ideas from the Spanish. Thus, to overcome Jose’s problem, and ensure that the club is as successful as it deserves to be, I present to you the Spanish Omelette. Due to its predominant potato base, a lack of class one eggs no longer ruins the quality of the omelette. Therefore, one would no longer have to shop at the highly-priced Waitrose to achieve perfection – an important change in the current times of economic hardship.
I also have a keen interest in gambling, which could potentially form a lucrative alternative source of revenue for the club. This would be vital in providing additional funds for strengthening the squad, whilst still passing the new UEFA Financial Fair Play regulations that are due to come into force in the near future. Furthermore, having utilised extensive contacts in the industry, the bookmakers would provide a quote of 1000/1 on myself being named the new manager of Chelsea Football Club. Thus, by selling Fernando Torres, who even you must agree has been about as useful as air conditioning in the Siberian winter, and investing the proceeds in myself at those odds, it would provide the funds to crush the two Manchester clubs and ensure Chelsea’s position as Britain’s only superpower.
I hope that I have demonstrated that I would be a major asset to Chelsea, both on the field and in bringing financial stability and profitability to the club. One former manager declared himself the ‘Special One’ on taking over at the club. I do not wish to be viewed as a ‘Special One’, but would rather you regard me as the ‘Second Coming.’